new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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