capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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