matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i love accidental penises.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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