I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Are we in a gay sports bar?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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