I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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