I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
