That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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