Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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