Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
