So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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