I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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