yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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