my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
