at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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