Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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