I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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