I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
