i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
