youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
