Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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