He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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