got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
