just come out here and I will go home with you...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
