I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
