Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
