hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
