Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
