i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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