then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
