u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
