i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
