im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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