I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
