Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
