Don't make out with my wife yet
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
