yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
