You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
