just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
