thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
sex in a hospital.. check
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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