I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
