i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
