He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
