i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
