Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
