i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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