I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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