You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
