I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
