I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
ok first of all what the fuck
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
