my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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