A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
