As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
