first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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