Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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